Sex has become common in the world, a base instinct like eating and sleeping. But sex was designed for so much more and it’s importance is different to men and women.
- -Sex is a means of connecting to your husband both physically and emotionally.
- -Men and women are different. A woman desires emotional connection before physical connection while a man often has to have physical connection before he can open up emotionally.
- -The Biblical view of sex is overwhelmingly positive. We are told it reflects the nature of the triune God and is reflective of the relationship between Christ and his people. Further, a whole book in the Old Testament is dedicated to the physical act of passionate love.
So why does this so often surface as a problem in marriages? We live in a broken world where the daily challenges of life drain our time and energy. After a day of dealing with business decisions a wife returns home to find new finger paint artwork all over the living room wall and a baby that has been sick since 3 pm. A husband returns home after dealing with a challenging boss and finds an energetic child, an exhausted wife, a sick kiddo, bills to pay, and a tree down on a the lawn. Add to that the challenges of hyper sexuality often caused by pornography and unrealistic expectation for sex set by the media, and you have a recipe for frustration, resentment and discontent. Life in a broken world is a challenge, but here is the truth…we make time for what is important and your marriage in important.
So Your World is Insane – Join the Club
When the demands of the world press in on us we are required to make choices. Simply having a discussion with your husband can hep offset some of the frustration he might feel in this area. Here are some consideration and questions to get you started:
- What do each of you need? Quantity, quality, foreplay, foot rubs, back massages, putting on a superman cape. Start thinking about what each of you need for a healthy sex life and then learn to ask for what you need. It can be a sensitive (and even embarrassing) conversation, but having the conversation is worth it. BTW, you may have to have the conversation again in a few years. 4 times a week for a 19 year old becomes 3 times a week with a foot massage for a 30 year old becomes 2 times a week with a back rub for a 50 year old. I’ll have to get back to you when I turn 70.
- Both of you approach sex as an opportunity to minister to the other. How can your husband minister to you before, during and after sex. How can you minister to your husband before, during and after sex. Think along the lines of what each of you enjoy. Would you like to buy a massage table and use it weekly (best investment I ever made)? Would you enjoy reading poetry sometimes? Would it help if he put the kids down a couple of nights a week. Do you get turned on when he does the dished. Let him know what you desire and allow him to share what he desires.
- Set realistic expectations. Not every encounter will last 4 hours and end in the bed with him feeding you grapes. Sometimes it will last 10 minutes and he will be snoring in 12. A realistic sex life includes snacks (quickies), meals (casual sex) and banquets (weekend escapes or all afternoon experiences). Your stage in life will often dictate what kind of meal you engage in, but don’t get stuck in a rut. Just because you have three kids does not mean you cannot escape for a weekend here and there.
- Put it on the calendar. I know, not at all romantic. But in todays world it may be necessary. Our lives move at the speed of light and it is easy to look back over the last couple of weeks and realize there is a reason your husband is feeling neglected. We know what is important to us by looking at where we spend our time (look at your calendar) and where we spend our money (look at the checkbook).
Managing an effective sex life requires commitment, patience, understanding, sacrificial love, self control and determination. But the payoff is worth it. A better relationship, a stronger commitment to one another, better health, better sleep, and a whole lot of fun. It is a commitment that pays dividends for years to come.