7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4D – Fighting the Good Fight

So far this week we have been exploring how to fight better.  We discussed the soft start-up, repair attempts, compromise,  and influence.  Today, let’s take a look at how we can self-soothe and soothe our spouse when anger and fighting get the best of us.

As we have discussed before, fighting often leads to flooding.  As emotions increase we enter the “fight, flight or freeze” response.  Blood flows from our brain to our extremities, blood pressure increases, heart rate increases and our ability to reason decreases.  If not dealt with, flooding can result in lashing out in anger or engaging in defensiveness and stonewalling.  None of these are good for a relationship.

To resolve flooding a couple can engage in two activities, self-soothing and soothing each other.

Use Your Time-Out Effectively – Soothing

Earlier this week we discussed how and when to take a time out.  A time out allows you the time to self-soothe with the goal of calming down and restoring blood flow to the brain where you can reason through an issue.  People do this in many ways.  Reading the bible, praying, meditation, deep breathing exercises or listening to calming music are all ways to calm yourself.  Remember, it takes longer for men to exit flooding than women so additional time may be required for self-soothing.  Once you have calmed down, helping to soothe your partner can have even more benefits.

Dr. Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work explains: ” Soothing your partner is of enormous benefits to a marriage because it is really a form of reverse conditioning. In other words, if you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse, you come to associate him or her with feelings of relaxation rather than stress. This automatically increases the positivity of your relationship.”  Soothing can take many forms but normally the first step is simply discussing why the flooding took place in the first place.  There are many ways to soothe your spouse but what is important is you choose the method and enjoy it.  A husband might give his wife a foot massage or they may take turns guiding each other through meditation activities. Whatever the activity, it is important that, in the end, both of you are calmer and better able to engage in the discussion that started the fight.

Prepare for Battle

One of the things that I heard in the military was that it was better to sweat in peace than bleed in war. In other words, preparing during peace allows you to be more effective in combat. This also applies to soothing. Taking some time before your next fight to think about how you will soothe one another can pay huge dividends.  Simply think about your last fight and what it was that resulted in flooding.  Discuss how you can prevent flooding in the first place, recognize flooding as it is happening, and what it is you need to do when things have spiraled out of control. Finally, discuss how you can serve one another by soothing each other during your next fight.

7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4A – Fighting the Good Fight

The funny thing is I knew I was in trouble as the words left my mouth. Mentally I was reaching out trying to capture the offending question and return it to the depths from which it came. No luck.

7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4 – Fighting the Good Fight

The great philosopher Jack Sparrow said “It’s not the problem that’s the problem, it’s your response to the problem that’s the problem.”  That guy is a genius.

Did you know that 69% of all of the things you and your spouse fight about are perpetual problems.  By that I mean they are problems that will most likely resurface throughout your marriage.  If you are like most couples in their first three decades of marriage you will be fighting about:

– Division of Housework

– What a clean house looks like

– Finances and other issues of security

-In-Laws

– How to raise your children

– Frequency of Sex

These issues often have a lot to do with deep seated expectations, roles played in family of origin (how your mom and dad did it) and preferences around security and money.  Over time, as your marital relationship matures and God works within your marriage towards unity, these issues may come to some resolution.  However, these changes do not take place quickly.  As a result, you will have fights.

The question is not if you will have a fight, it is how you choose to fight that makes all the difference.  If you want to have a fight which results in anger, disharmony, disunity, demeaning behavior and possibly homicide (because divorce is not an option), try one or more of these methods:

  • Wait until your husband has been working three hours in 102 degree weather under the hood of a car and is hungry, then ask him about the $20 he spent at Academy with an accusatory tone;
  • Come home from work after your spouse has spent the day with two sick children then roll your eyes when she asks if you can run and pick up dinner for the family;
  • Try to motivate your spouse to look for a better job by comparing him to the neighbor that just pulled up in a new Vet.  In fact, it will be even more effective if you wait until the neighbor can see you and then turn around, point your finger at your hubby and yell “You need a job like his so I can get a new car;”
  • Start asking him hundreds of questions just as he walks into the house after a long day at work.

A second option is to use scripturally supported and time tested methods to have conversations with your spouse that have a better chance at resolving conflict.  This week let’s explore the first one.

Slow Your Roll

Proverbs 15:15 says “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. ”  In short, make sure you have your temper and emotions under control before engaging in a conversation that may result in a fight.  In addition, give your spouse the opportunity to prepare for the discussion.

Let’s Throw Down

Sally walks into the house after a long Monday to find John standing there with his phone.  He has just seen a $200 charge she made over the weekend and is angry because they had agreed to watch their spending so they would have funds for a vacation next summer.  As she walks in he holds up the phone and in an accusatory voice says “You never keep our agreements.  Can’t you control your spending for even one month?  You’re just so irresponsible!”

What went wrong?

  1. You should never point a phone  at someone, it’s rude.
  2. He does not know what she spent the money on or why.
  3. Terms like “always” and “never” put people on the defensive, primarily because they are an untrue accusation.
  4. He jumped her at the door and did not give her the emotional room to prepare for the conversation.

As a result, she feels attacked and in self-defense says something like “If you had a real job I wouldn’t have to worry about a few hundred dollars.”  She goes on the attack and treats him with disrespect because he was unloving towards her.  It’s on like Donkey-Kong.

A Better Way

When John sees the charge and starts to get angry, he should ask himself two questions:  Why am I so angry and what do I not know about this situation.  In most cases we get angry because we are not getting our way.  He forgets that as a believer we are patient, other focused, and dedicated to his spouse’s best interest.  Additionally, he has very little information concerning the “what” and “why” of the situation.  Instead of waiting at the door to pounce he could simply wait for her to come home and let her know he wants to talk to her about their finances later that night.  Then, in a calm manner point out that he had seen the charge made on the credit card and felt like it might violate their agreement concerning finances.  This is known as a “soft approach” and allows a couple to start a conversation that has a better chance of a positive outcome.  Yes it requires some self control and patience.  However, as a follower of Jesus you have both (Gal 5:22-23).

So here is the first step towards better fights;  Choose a good time and place for a discussion and then give your spouse some warning so they can prepare for an emotional conversation.  In the event your spouse has had a long day, give them some grace and choose another time for the conversation.  Don’t wait too long and stand firm on the need to have the conversation, but be sensitive to your spouse.  A friend of mine used to use the phrase “I need to enter your garden” when he needed to talk about an emotional topic with his wife.  She then could proceed with the discussion or take a few minutes to get mentally prepared.  If she postponed the discussion, she was responsible for “reengaging” before the evening was over.  Patty and  I simply say “I need to talk you about something that might get emotional, is this a good time?”  By being patient and letting both parties mentally prepare, there is a much better chance of a positive outcome.

Tomorrow:  When things get out of control – attempting to repair hurt feeling in the middle of a fight.

Social Media and Marriage

How does your relationship compare to other couples in your life. Consciously or unconsciously this is the question we often ask as we look at social media. Is social media really a problem for relationships?

Preparation

A friend of mine and I were talking a few weeks back about a friend in crisis.  It was a crisis of faith, a crisis of belief, and the challenge was rocking that person’s world.  Steve, our youth pastor, made a comment that has stuck with me.  “In the middle of a crisis is not a good time to develop your theology.”

Patty and I have remained married for 34 years this last Saturday.  Our marriage has rocked on through a number of challenges and obstacles, some from within our marriage and some from outside of our marriage.  Knowing that God uses these challenges to grow us, and understanding how immature I still am at times, I can only expect that there are more challenges on the way.  However, knowing that God uses challenges for our growth, and knowing that God walks with us through them, strengthen us as we face them together.  Knowing ahead of time helps us face the challenges as they arise.

What is your theology concerning marriage?  What do you really believe that God’s will is concerning your marriage?  Are you thoroughly enough convinced of the truth that it will carry you through the challenges?  My prayer today is that you are working to prepare for the challenges of tomorrow.

Differences

Many times Patty and I see things similarly.  That is to be expected as we have the same fundamental values, a similar type of social history, and the same Holy Spirit as the core of our identity.  When we see things the same way we often feel a sense of confirmation and closeness.

However, when we don’t see things the same way we often find ourselves arguing, getting into fights, and sometimes storming off.  I find myself feeling “out of sync” or restless.  The interesting thing is that it is in these times that I grow the most.  It is through times of disunity that we later find ourselves more unified.  Why is that?  It is because God uses these time for growth.

A few weeks back I went through a “values exercise.”  I had to work through a deck of 50 value cards and identify my top five values:  Love, truth, wisdom, loyalty and service.  The last one was a shock.  Me, a servant?  If you only knew how self-centered I was (and still sometimes are) you would be shocked.  But there it sat, number 5 out of 50.

God uses a lot of things to transform us into the person we are destined to be.  In this case God used Patty, an amazing servant, to change my way of thinking.  She naturally falls into service and has literally filled up all of her time in one type of service project or another.  This ultimately resulted in us getting into significant fights as she filled one weekend after another with one project after another and dragged me along on each one.  She would overcommit and I would get exhausted and then it was on like Donkey-Kong.   Huge fight, she would cry, I would feel guilty and apologize, she would slow down for a time and then six months later the cycle would start over.   This has been going on for years.

When I saw “service” in my top five values I realized that God had used my wife in a significant way to change how I felt about service.  Additionally, God has used our fighting to teach her about rest.  God has used our differences to change us.  I am a person who loves to serve, but not overcommit, and she is a person who loves to serve but is learning the value of rest.  We are both influencing the other, through our differences, to be more and more like Christ, who came to serve but understood the need for rest.

Of course, this is not the only difference I appreciate about her.  She is intuitive and I have no sense of intuition.  She connects emotionally; I connect physically.  She likes to plan; I am more of a “fly by the seat of your pants” guy.  She likes to recycle; I like providing people who work in landfills with job security.  And the list goes on.

Husbands, this week take some time to think about and thank your spouse for her differences.  It is these differences that bring value and variety to our lives.  It is the differences that add excitement and depth to our relationship.  It is the differences that God uses to shape us into the men we are becoming.