Over the last few days we have been exploring how to fight better. We discussed the soft start-up, repair attempts and compromise. Today, let’s take a look at how we allow our spouse to influence us.
Recently I was sharing with some friends that when I was much younger I got a little depressed about my work situation and joined the Air Force without discussing it with Patty. In essence, I made a life-changing decision that took a newly married young woman away from her family of origin without allowing her to influence my decision. I didn’t even ask her opinion. I returned home and advised that within 3-5 days I would be in a uniform being yelled at by a training instructor and within a few months we would be moving. Destination – Unknown. Looking back I am surprised I didn’t show up to basic training with hand prints on my throat.
In the end, it worked out. Looking back I am surprised it did.
When couples fight one of the things that they are often trying to do is influence their spouse. According to research, couples who resist influence are much more likely to divorce. When a man is not willing to share power with their wife the couple is 81% more likely to end up in divorce court. A marriage is a commitment to allow the other person input into those issues that effect them. Couples who share power, who allow their partner to influence them during an argument, feel like they are part of a unified marriage.
Common sense should tell you that you need to allow your spouse to influence you. Patty sees things from such a different perspective than I do. Wisdom would dictate that I not only take her insight into consideration, but that I seek it out regularly. She is more relational where I am task oriented. In our ministry both are needed and her strength offsets my weakness. She was made a helpmate for me, and I am blessed to have her and blessed when she “weighs in” on issues.
However, when emotions are running high and a fight ensues we often withdraw and refuse to listen. We feel we have the right viewpoint and then work hard, sometimes too hard, to defend it. When that happens people feel disrespected and unappreciated. Then it is on like donkey-kong.
Before the crazy cycle starts, take a moment and ask yourself if you are resisting influence and if so, why. Are you embarrassed over a decision you have made and now feel the need to defend yourself? Do you really feel that your spouse has no valid viewpoint on the situation? Are you really so filled with pride that you feel you don’t need input from your spouse? Beware, you are crossing into dangerous territory.
Strong couples value the opinion of their spouse and seek influence often. They may not always choose to take the advice when provided, but they seek the advice and consider it when making a decision.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)
Redeeming the Time
/0 Comments/in Uncategorized /by Michael CurtisRemember
We need to remember that our God is a redeemer. He is the redeemer of souls, the redeemer of relationships and the redeemer of time. I need that redemption. I will start my fourth week working from home tomorrow and I realized as I meditated this morning that I am going to need to create some structure in my life and adapt to the new normal. I am going to have to adapt from how I was living, start living in my new environment, and prepare for the future environment that will be the result of our current pandemic. I don’t think I am the only one.
A Resource for You
As I was looking over the podcasts that regularly listen to, I came across the Famous at Home podcast. They are currently in a series where they are directly helping others deal with emotional resilience, family rhythms, and marriage during this time. Over the past year they have moved from a marriage ministry to a family ministry, so I have listened to them a little less. But listening to them this morning I realized how much this was needed for my sanity and may be needed for yours. One of the quotes that jumped out at me from episode 153, Family Rhythms in Social Isolation, was “If every day looks the same, you will go crazy. If every day looks different, you will go crazy.” In the spirit of sharing I am providing the links for the first two episodes below.
So, this evening put the kids to bed and instead of binge watching Iron Fist on Netflix, listen to the first podcast and start working as a couple on how God is calling you, as a family, to redeem this time. I hope this is a blessing to you and your family.
https://www.joshuastraub.com/2020/03/25/152-emotional-resilience-in-social-isolation/
https://www.joshuastraub.com/2020/03/27/153-family-rhythms-in-social-isolation/
Show Me The Money
/0 Comments/in Communication /by Michael CurtisTake it from us, getting a little perspective surrounding money can have huge dividends when it comes to creating a peaceful home where both of your needs are being met. Here are a few things to think about:
Stay Out of Debt
In our culture this is a challenge, especially for a young couple. We want comfortable homes now without necessarily having the income necessary to afford one. Most couples will go into debt to purchase a home. Before you do, have a long discussion on the home you need versus the home you want and how much debt is “allowable” for a home. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your home is an “investment.” The money you spend on a larger home than you need will be better invested in a long-term investment and will almost always pay larger dividends over time.
Additionally, keep away from insecure debt like credit cards. Have discussions over “ground rules” for debt. One young couple I know have committed to no more than one purchase on credit at a time. When they make a credit purchase, they refuse to use their credit card again until the debt is paid off. Also consider creating a ground rule that credit can only be used in the event there is a critical need. A Play-Station 12 is not a need.
Create an Emergency Fund
Put aside $500 to $1000 for emergencies. This helps calm the financial worrier as they know there is an emergency net to land in if necessary.
Discuss Large Purchases
Another rule that may be helpful is to set a limit on how much either of you can spend during the week. Depending on your income, either of you may be able to spend up to $100 a week without checking with the other. However, if you need to spend over $100 on an item, then a discussion is necessary before hand. Any time a large purchase is needed there should be a discussion and some sort of agreement on how to move forward. Remember to consider the other person’s concerns and desires and respond in love and with grace. This is especially important when the money is being spent on something one person wants that the other is rather indifferent to. I like technology and my wife is fine posting to Facebook with smoke signals and is fiscally conservative. Sometimes she won, sometimes I won, but the important thing was that neither of us felt the other was being insensitive to the other person’s desires.
Think About Retirement
I know it feels like it is a lifetime away but start planning now. What are your dreams for retirement? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? Start dreaming and planning now as the dreams you have for tomorrow will be funded by the investments you make today. Even if it is just a few dollars a month, start investing in your future now.
You Are in This Together
Remember that your finances are a team effort. I am always concerned when couples keep their money separate, have hidden accounts or hide purchases from one another. Any lack of transparency in how we spend, use and save our money should be openly shared and often discussed. American Express found that 33% of men and 40% of women have hidden purchases from their spouse. This lack of transparency can be a killer to intimacy and can have far reaching effects. Instead, have periodic “State of the Union” discussions and make your finances a topic of conversation. Be willing to discuss:
• How much are we saving?
• How are our investment’s doing?
• How much are we investing in kingdom work?
• How much do we have to spend on something fun?
• Is there something we need to save for specifically? (washer, TV, computer, vacation)
Having discussions and making plans together can strengthen a relationship, even when finances are tight. Keep in mind that things may not always be tough in the finance department. Wages increase and kids grow up and leave home. Wisdom in the early years lays the groundwork for less stress over the marathon of a marriage but it is remembering that you are in this together that keeps a marriage strong.
7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 5 – Friendship
/0 Comments/in Challenge /by Michael CurtisAdam was in the garden, naming the animals, working the soil and walking with God. However, no “suitable helper could be found for him.” God created woman from man and Adam was no longer alone. He had a companion, a helpmate, a friend. Most of us can remember the feeling of being alone without that special person to share our life with and how amazing it was when they came into our lives. We visited, chatted, dated, and finally the day came when our family and friends witnessed as we entered into a covenant relationship with that person, till death do us part. We became lovers, family and friends with our whole lives ahead of us to share.
Then the world pressed in. Jobs, children, church events, separate interests, and differing hobbies. Soon, we were growing distant, and the first thing we compromised was our friendship. Business and its cost is one of the most effective tools of the enemy and many, if not most of us fall for it at one time or another. So how do we fight the enemy?
Find a Common Interest
Look for those things that interest both of you and find a way to spend time engaged in these activities. Maybe its painting minions on rocks, collecting bugs, shooting civil war revolvers or simply watching movies. Find the common ground and then invest your time, money and energy in those pursuits.
Carve Out the Time
Once you have found the “something” to do, carve out some time to make it happen. Calendar the item and let nothing short of an emergency room visit get in the way. If it is in your calendar and the Pastor calls to see if you will referee a Upwards Basketball game this weekend you can honestly say “I have another commitment on my calendar.” Protect this time!!!
Look for Something New
Always keep a lookout for something new to do together. As we get older we change so what we enjoyed in one season of life may need to be re-assessed in another. A decade ago Patty and I enjoyed disk golf on a Sunday afternoon after a marriage workshop. Now we enjoy a three hour nap. Seriously, look for new hobbies and try new things. New adventures and hobbies keep the fire alive in a relationship.
Protecting your friendship is one key to a long-term relationship that lasts throughout the many seasons of life you face as a couple.
His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend. daughters of Jerusalem.
Song of Songs 5:16
7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4E- Fighting the Good Fight
/0 Comments/in Uncategorized /by Michael CurtisIn marriage, we are called to sacrificially serve one another in a way that builds unity in a marriage. We are called to submit to one another looking out for the best interests of the other. We are called to humility; admitting wrongs and asking for forgiveness when needed. We are called to pursue each other in ways that show how much the other person means to us. We are called to “die” to self and seek the other person’s needs before we seek our own. When we do this we turn towards one another instead of away from each other. We understand that when we fight, we are fighting for our marriage, not to get our own way. We recognize that our spouse is not our enemy but is our ally.
If you get married you will have trouble (1 Cor 7:28). God will often use your marriage to change you more and more into the image of His son, Jesus. That growth is not an easy process and we often fight against it by fighting with our spouse. Additionally, you have an enemy that hates your marriage. Satan stands against your marriage as it is a reminder of God’s relationship with His people. Jesus said “In this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world.” Though selfishness, pride, hatred, disunity and Satan all stand against your marriage, they are no threat to the God of the universe that is holding your marriage together. In unity, with each other and with God, we can stand against the powers of this world that seek to undermine our marriages. In unity we can stand together, lifting the shield of faith against the arrows of the enemy, and overcome any attempt to undermine our marriage. In unity, we can turn towards each other, rely on each other, and bear each others burdens instead of turning away from each other and accepting defeat.
This mindset requires the power of the Holy Spirit and a commitment to following his lead. Considering this before you get into a fight helps frame the fight in a way that builds your marriage instead of undermining it. Being thankful for the blessing you have been given in marriage on the good days helps you remember the blessings on the bad days. Listening to the Holy Spirit at the beginning of a fight helps resolve the issue more effectively.
7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4D – Fighting the Good Fight
/0 Comments/in Challenge, Communication, Trials /by Michael CurtisAs we have discussed before, fighting often leads to flooding. As emotions increase we enter the “fight, flight or freeze” response. Blood flows from our brain to our extremities, blood pressure increases, heart rate increases and our ability to reason decreases. If not dealt with, flooding can result in lashing out in anger or engaging in defensiveness and stonewalling. None of these are good for a relationship.
To resolve flooding a couple can engage in two activities, self-soothing and soothing each other.
Use Your Time-Out Effectively – Soothing
Earlier this week we discussed how and when to take a time out. A time out allows you the time to self-soothe with the goal of calming down and restoring blood flow to the brain where you can reason through an issue. People do this in many ways. Reading the bible, praying, meditation, deep breathing exercises or listening to calming music are all ways to calm yourself. Remember, it takes longer for men to exit flooding than women so additional time may be required for self-soothing. Once you have calmed down, helping to soothe your partner can have even more benefits.
Dr. Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work explains: ” Soothing your partner is of enormous benefits to a marriage because it is really a form of reverse conditioning. In other words, if you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse, you come to associate him or her with feelings of relaxation rather than stress. This automatically increases the positivity of your relationship.” Soothing can take many forms but normally the first step is simply discussing why the flooding took place in the first place. There are many ways to soothe your spouse but what is important is you choose the method and enjoy it. A husband might give his wife a foot massage or they may take turns guiding each other through meditation activities. Whatever the activity, it is important that, in the end, both of you are calmer and better able to engage in the discussion that started the fight.
Prepare for Battle
One of the things that I heard in the military was that it was better to sweat in peace than bleed in war. In other words, preparing during peace allows you to be more effective in combat. This also applies to soothing. Taking some time before your next fight to think about how you will soothe one another can pay huge dividends. Simply think about your last fight and what it was that resulted in flooding. Discuss how you can prevent flooding in the first place, recognize flooding as it is happening, and what it is you need to do when things have spiraled out of control. Finally, discuss how you can serve one another by soothing each other during your next fight.
7 Weeks to a Better Marriage Week 4C – Fighting the Good Fight
/0 Comments/in Uncategorized /by Michael CurtisRecently I was sharing with some friends that when I was much younger I got a little depressed about my work situation and joined the Air Force without discussing it with Patty. In essence, I made a life-changing decision that took a newly married young woman away from her family of origin without allowing her to influence my decision. I didn’t even ask her opinion. I returned home and advised that within 3-5 days I would be in a uniform being yelled at by a training instructor and within a few months we would be moving. Destination – Unknown. Looking back I am surprised I didn’t show up to basic training with hand prints on my throat.
In the end, it worked out. Looking back I am surprised it did.
When couples fight one of the things that they are often trying to do is influence their spouse. According to research, couples who resist influence are much more likely to divorce. When a man is not willing to share power with their wife the couple is 81% more likely to end up in divorce court. A marriage is a commitment to allow the other person input into those issues that effect them. Couples who share power, who allow their partner to influence them during an argument, feel like they are part of a unified marriage.
Common sense should tell you that you need to allow your spouse to influence you. Patty sees things from such a different perspective than I do. Wisdom would dictate that I not only take her insight into consideration, but that I seek it out regularly. She is more relational where I am task oriented. In our ministry both are needed and her strength offsets my weakness. She was made a helpmate for me, and I am blessed to have her and blessed when she “weighs in” on issues.
However, when emotions are running high and a fight ensues we often withdraw and refuse to listen. We feel we have the right viewpoint and then work hard, sometimes too hard, to defend it. When that happens people feel disrespected and unappreciated. Then it is on like donkey-kong.
Before the crazy cycle starts, take a moment and ask yourself if you are resisting influence and if so, why. Are you embarrassed over a decision you have made and now feel the need to defend yourself? Do you really feel that your spouse has no valid viewpoint on the situation? Are you really so filled with pride that you feel you don’t need input from your spouse? Beware, you are crossing into dangerous territory.
Strong couples value the opinion of their spouse and seek influence often. They may not always choose to take the advice when provided, but they seek the advice and consider it when making a decision.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)